Me and Headlamp

If you own a headlamp you know the primal power you posses when you wear it and turn it on. If you’ve never experienced the power of a headlamp, this may not make sense to you. Actually, according to Erin, even if you do own one, you may never have felt like this. To tell the truth, I’m pretty sure that no one else in the world but me does things like this…

Now right off the bat, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the manliest of men. I’m not a girly man (like my baseball coach loved to call me) but I’m not a manly man, either. I’ve watched Hugh Grant movies and like to drink tea and I don’t mind putting the seat down on the toilet after I’m done with my business. For some reason though, I don’t thrive on doing the stereotypical manly things that I imagine most manly men must do (not being a manly man myself, all I can do is imagine what manly men do...wait...not that I spend time thinking about other men all the time...not that that's bad or anything...) For instance, I can’t seem to go on long jaunts into the woods with my buddies, tracking vicious animals that threaten man’s very existence (such as the ever-dangerous Michigan White-Tailed deer…). I just can't. I’ve tried wearing camouflage and hunter’s orange, but I couldn’t really pull off either color very well. I’d rather drive a compact, fuel-efficient car across the country than a Bigfoot wannabe through the fields or woods. Though I enjoy spending time with my buddies throwing back beers (or in my case, sipping hard lemonade) and watching the Big Game, the only reason I watched the Super Bowl last year was because I wanted to spend a weekend in an air-conditioned hotel room with a hot shower and cable. Plus the commercials are nifty to watch.

This being said, I was just finishing eating dinner with my wife the other night when the power went out, a not uncommon occurrence here in the Philippines. We calmly went around lighting candles and unplugging important appliances so they wouldn’t get electrocuted when the inevitable power surge brought our power back to us. Pursuant to clause 3, section B, subsection 14 of our totally informal and unofficial marital agreement (notarized in 36 US States and 14 foreign countries as well as Guam and Puerto Rico), Erin cooks and I clean the dishes. Since she had cooked our dinner, I was under obligation to wash the dishes. However, candles just weren’t giving off enough light and we were out of kerosene for our lamp. Knowing light had to be produced so that dishes could be washed, I moseyed over to our bookshelf and nonchalantly grabbed our trusty Headlamp. As I held the small device in my hands, I could feel the energy flowing from its 3 AAA batteries to the depths of my soul. I slowly slipped the weather-beaten elastic band over my head and knew that something in me would change—it always did, but I could never stop myself. With the band slung snuggly against my forehead I slowly raised my head, as if recently knighted by King Arthur himself and pushed the “on” button. Bright, LED light flooded my field of vision. Quickly, I turned my head and of course, the beam followed. The wonders of a Headlamp—it follows the path of ones head, leaving hands free to do work…the work of a man. Headlamp had freed me from the dark. Like a trusty steed, Headlamp nudged me on. We had some major work to.…some major manly work.
Suddenly instead of washing dishes, I wanted to kill animals. Big animals, small animals, it didn’t matter. Our cat, seeing the new fresh fire in my eyes, smartly ran away. She had seen this transformation before and knew no good could come of it. What else did I need? TVs. I needed TVs. Not one, many. Enough TVs to be able to watch all the major sports leagues with nifty 3 letter acronyms at once and at least one extra TV in case the demolition derby came on replay on cable access channel 3. Headlamp and I needed a truck, too. A big truck. A big truck with big tires. A big loud truck with big, big tires. One that could run over any wussy hybrid while hauling an array of off-road vehicles and deafening small children with the roar of its diesel in the process. Headlamp made me forget that I needed to wash dishes. Wash dishes? Mere women’s work! Not the work of a man—especially not the work of a man with a Headlamp. No, there was surely a piece of metal outside that needed welding whispered Headlamp in my ear. I needed to hammer something, skin something, bash something. I needed to do something manly. I needed to work out. Yes! Work out! Headlamp and I would get chiseled and buff and manly. I tore off my shirt and Headlamp shone on the floor as I effortlessly pumped out 3 whole pushups. I ground out a fourth and ended my grueling workout, quickly looking for other manly tasks that Headlamp and I needed to accomplish. Thank you, O Headlamp! Thank you for showing me my inner man! I never knew it existed! Buried deep within, my manhood merely needed unlocking with the click of a button. No more talking about emotions! No more reading books recommended by Oprah! No more!…

Then, the inevitable happened. With a Click, Pop and a Buzz, it was bright all around me, not just in my field of vision. Headlamp’s light was not the only light I saw. The lights in our house began to blaze; our temporary power outage was over. My shoulders slumped as my manliness swiftly slipped away. Erin was already waiting for the transformation. She stood there, the cat at her feet watching me closely, hand outstretched, waiting for Headlamp and I to go our separate ways. I reluctantly dropped it in her hands and sulked back to the sink where my real work waited for me. I washed the dishes (making sure to get the pots and pats sparkling clean while not getting dishpan hands) and thought about the silly things Headlamp made me want to do. I mean, really, I’m fine with who I am. Maybe I am a wussy man. Maybe my coach was right and I am a girly man. I’m ok being a non-hunting, eco-friendly guy who likes candles and reading. At least that's what I tell myself while I wash dishes or fold clothes or condition my hair. Truth be told though, I am secretly looking forward to the next power outage. I can’t wait to hang out with Headlamp again.